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Divorce Court
Divorce Court is episode eight in season three of Full House. It originally aired on November 17, 1989. Opening Teaser Upstairs in his room, Jesse teaches Michelle how to snap her fingers to music. Apparently, she can do it herself as she shows him such, and all he can muster out of that is "Show-off". Synopsis Sharing a bedroom with Stephanie is driving D.J. crazy, and when they invite their friends over, they end up arguing about when who is allowed in the room, and when who is not. When Stephanie's friends (Jimmy and Walter) come over to the room and she is caught playing with D.J.'s Pillow Person upon the entrance of her friends (Monica and Kimmy), D.J. has to remind Stephanie about "rule #1" (from the series premiere; see Quotes). And although she didn't directly mention it, Stephanie also broke "rule #2", by setting foot on D.J.'s side and jumping on D.J.'s bed. The argument leads to who the better sister is (see Quotes). This subsequently leads to Danny evicting their friends, and then banishing them to their room, with no phone, music, or TV. Even worse, they have to eat dinner together; well, not technically, but even then, D.J. still finds Stephanie annoying (see Quotes). When Danny enters their room, they have a fake hug in front of him. But when he leaves, they quickly go back to their old ways. This causes Stephanie to want a divorce from her sister and move in with Michelle, and D.J. is fine with that (see Quotes). Stephanie moves her bed, lamp, toy chest, and Mr. Bear into Michelle's room. And despite the fact it is Michelle's room, Stephanie is older than Michelle, thus making her "the boss". Jesse comes in and notices this, and is shocked by this turn of events (see Quotes). That night, Michelle hits Stephanie on the head, and now Stephanie can't sleep (see Quotes). Jesse then sees D.J. rollerblading in her own room (see Quotes), and with Stephanie's bed gone, there seems to be more space for her to do just that without falling and hurting herself. In an effort to solve the problem, Danny, Jesse, and Joey set up a courtroom kind of setting in the living room, with the bench as (appropriately) "the bench", the recliner as a "witness stand", Danny as the "judge" (and using a squeaky toy hammer as a "gavel", Jesse and Joey as the two "attorneys," Stephanie as the "plaintiff" (represented by Jesse), and D.J. as the "defendant" (represented by Joey); but the guys themselves have a problem (see Quotes). After Stephanie's "testimony", she explains that she moved into Michelle's room because she hates having to put up with the "new D.J." instead of the "old D.J." that she liked when D.J. herself was a kid. D.J. says that it is not that she does not like Stephanie, she just would like it better if Stephanie were in a different room. Danny ultimately decides that Michelle is still too young and not ready for a roommate, and while Stephanie is still a "child" in elementary/grade school and D.J. is now a "young woman" in junior high school, they must respect each other's lives, stuff, and personal space, and that things are not going to be the same as they once were and they've got to find some way to get along with each other for the time being, and Jesse and Joey concur. Jesse says that their five-year age difference may sound like a lot now, but in a few years it will not mean a thing, and Joey adds that in a few years they will look back on this experience and realize just how lucky they are to have each other. With the case now a moot point and officially "dismissed", everyone helps move Stephanie's stuff back into D.J.'s room. The guys have a bet with each other as to who among them is the most athletic, and to settle the bet, they have challenged each other to a foot race on a nearby track. To make the race more interesting and to up the ante and raise the stakes, the winner has to pick the costumes that the losers will wear to the Halloween party at Stephanie's school. It becomes even more serious when Becky shows up with the Wake Up, San Francisco crew to tape the race, meaning that the whole city is anxiously awaiting the outcome. Danny wins – literally by a nose, meaning he gets to choose the costumes (see Quotes). Before the roommates depart for Stephanie's party, they have a heart-to-heart with each other, D.J. promising to attend her own party at Kathy Santoni's house later (see Quotes). Then, the others arrive with their costumes, and Jesse and Joey remind Danny that they are his dates as they serenade him with a song (see Trivia). Quotes Walter, and Jimmy are playing upstairs and jumping on D.J.'s bed when D.J., Kimmy, and Monica enter. D.J.: Freeze, dweebs! [And her presence causes Stephanie to immediately jump off the bed.] Stephanie, what's rule #1 in this room? Stephanie: Never touch your stuff. [She notices she's doing exactly that, by holding her sister's Pillow Person.] Heh-heh-heh. Monica: Little sisters. What a pain. Kimmy: Yeah, I'm glad my mom stopped having kids after me. Stephanie: Gee, I wonder why. D.J.: Okay, time for all puppet people to leave the room. Let's go. We have very important things to discuss. [She escorts them out, but no sooner are they out than they are back in!] Stephanie: So do we. We have to discuss our costumes for the Halloween carnival. I'm gonna be Batman, or Wonder Woman, or...Connie Chung. Monica: You're not going to that kiddie carnival at our old elementary school, are you? Kimmy: Monica, D.J.'s coming with us to Kathy Santoni's Halloween party. Stephanie: But, D.J., you promised me you would go with me to the Halloween carnival. We go together every year. D.J.: Yes, and I'll always treasure those memories. I'm in junior high. Stephanie: Well, pin a rose on your nose. Walter & Jimmy: All right. ---- roommates come downstairs, hoping their Dad will resolve their problem. D.J.: Dad! Stephanie: Dad! D.J.: Your friends have to leave. Stephanie: No! Yours. D.J.: Tell Stephanie her friends have to get out of my room. Stephanie: Tell D.J. her friends have to get out of my room. D.J.: I'm older. Stephanie: I'm younger. D.J.: I'm taller. Stephanie: I'm shorter. D.J.: I'm smarter. Stephanie: I'm... a few steps back not falling for that. ---- the kitchen... Joey: Yes. You snails don't stand a chance tomorrow. Jesse: You took one jog around the block? Joey: Actually, I haven't run yet. I'm just really excited I found my stopwatch. Danny: All I need to win is a Tanner health shake and you wimps as my competition. Jesse: Pretty tough talk coming from the cover boy to Geek Illustrated. Joey: laughing 'Geek Illustrated'. Danny: I say we put a bet on this race. Jesse: Bet? You got it, pal. You name it, and I'll claim it. Joey: and acting like Okay, you puny girlie men...hear me now, think about it later. Tomorrow is the school Halloween carnival. I say that the losers have to wear whatever costumes that the winner picks. ---- the still-angry roommates are eating dinner; D.J. at the little table, and Stephanie has a tray as she sits on the toy chest near her bed. Stephanie: So, Mr. Bear, when do you think D.J. will come to her senses and apologize? D.J.: When that bear answers you out loud. Stephanie: On behalf of Mr. Bear, how rude. [D.J. looks at her angrily, as she starts gulping her milk, causing D.J. to look up at her again.] D.J.: Must you "glug" your milk? Stephanie: Does it bother you? D.J.: Yes. Stephanie: Then I must again. D.J.: setting her fork down Look, I cannot take this anymore. Let's just pretend to make up, and then Dad'll be happy. Stephanie: getting up Great idea. D.J.: Let me do the talking. I'm smarter than you. Stephanie: If you were so smart, you would've thought of this three hours ago. Danny: on their door Can I come in, girls? D.J.: loudly Just a minute! to Stephanie, as she gets her tray over to the table Get over here and start laughing. start laughing they do. Sure. Come in, Dad. ---- D.J.: You want a divorce? You got it. Stephanie: Fine. Then I'll go tell Michelle I'm moving in with her. D.J.: And I'll go call Kimmy and tell her I have my own room. Stephanie: Not so fast. disconnects her sister's red phone... Half of everything in this room is mine takes the base with her. ---- the break, in Michelle's room... Stephanie: she paces around the room In my old room, D.J. was the big sister. But in this room, I'm the big sister. So there are only two words you need to know: salutes 'Okay, boss.' Michelle: salutes Okay, boss. Stephanie: Oh, this is gonna be so sweet. walks in. Jesse: Just came in to say good... golly, Miss Molly (see Trivia)! Stephanie What's your bed doing in here? Stephanie: I decided it was time for D.J. to have her own room. Jesse: Well, I don't know how much she paid you, but give that money back right now. Stephanie: It was my idea. Jesse: It's fine with me, but I'm gonna have a little chat with your dad when he gets home. each of them Good night. Good night. Stephanie: Good night, Uncle Jesse. Jesse: Now, you girls get some sleep. Michelle: salutes Okay, boss. Jesse: I'm the boss? Michelle: She's the boss. Stephanie: Where do these kids get this stuff? ---- [Meanwhile, D.J. is rollerblading in what is currently just her room and hers alone, and is wearing protective gear, sans a helmet and arm pads. The rest of Stephanie's stuff is seen, as are the shelves.] D.J.: Hi, Uncle Jesse. Jesse: I see you're not missing Stephanie too badly. D.J.: Stephanie who? ---- Michelle's room, she hits Stephanie with her stuffed animal, causing Stephanie to turn on her lamp. Stephanie: Michelle, did you just hit me on the head? Michelle: Who, me? Stephanie: Go back to sleep. Michelle: I'm the boss. gets up and jumps on her bed. I'm the boss, I'm the boss, I'm the boss. Stephanie: I'm in trouble. covers herself with the window curtains. Michelle: I'm the boss, I'm the boss. ---- [On the big day of the big race...] Danny: Look, guys, you gotta let me win. I can't lose on my own show. Joey: I can't let you win. Remember, the losers wear costumes to Stephanie's Halloween carnival. I already got yours picked out. Big Bird, meet Snuffleupagus. ---- well into the race, they're neck and neck. Becky: For those of you who think you're watching a slow-motion replay, do not be fooled. They are actually moving at this speed. Danny: Guys, let's all cross the finish line together. That way, everybody saves face. Joey: Fine with me. Jesse: To stop this pain in my side, I'm all for it. Becky: They're neck and neck and neck. Come on, you turtles! Jesse: That's my girlfriend calling me a turtle. Sorry, Danny. Joey: I'm not losing this bet. I already rented costumes. Danny: It's my show. I'' gotta win. '''Becky': Hey, it looks like we've got a race! And here they come. It's gonna be a photo finish. guys collapse at the finish line. Gentlemen, any comments? I think what they're trying to say is, "We should've run a shorter race." Oh, and here comes the picture. And the winner is a shot of the Polaroid picture for proof... Danny Tanner by a nose! Danny, to what do you attribute that last surge of power? Danny: Fear of public humiliation. And to my worthy opponents, all I can say now is: "Trick or treat, boys!" Becky: That's a wrap. And a nap. ---- rise. Divorce Court is now in session, the honorable Judge Danny Tanner presiding. You may be seated, please. Joey: Your Honor, I call Donna Jo Tanner to the stand, please. Donna Jo, please tell the court why you no longer wish to share your room with your perky little sister. Jesse: Objection, Your Honor. Please instruct counsel not to characterize the plaintiff. Joey: How do you know all that junk? Jesse: I love those lawyer shows. Danny: D.J., please tell the court what your problem is with Stephanie. D.J.: It's simple. She's in elementary school, I'm in junior high. We have nothing in common. And I really need my privacy to make phone calls or put on makeup. But every time I turn around, there she is. There must be five or six of her. Joey: Thank you, Donna Jo. Your witness, counsel. Jesse: Ms. Tanner, you have just stated on the record that you have nothing in common with my client. But isn't it true that Wednesday last you were found playing Barbie dolls with young Stephanie? D.J.: Well, there's nothing else to do. It was raining and... Jesse: No further questions, Your Honor. I'd like to call Stephanie Judith Tanner to the stand. both girls switch places. Stephanie: I can't live with Michelle. I'll go nuts. Jesse: Please wait for the question. Stephanie: Sorry. Jesse: So why can't you live with Michelle? Stephanie: I'll go nuts! ---- Stephanie's all dressed for her school's Halloween carnival. Stephanie: So, Mr. Bear, do you think anyone else will be dressed as Batman this year? comes her sister, dressed as the Joker, laugh and all, as she unmasks herself. D.J.: Boy, I'm gonna get tired of doing this laugh all night. Stephanie: Well, have fun at your party. D.J.: Why are you moping around? You love the carnival. Stephanie: Yeah, but it's gonna be my first carnival without you. D.J.: I don't get it. Why do you wanna hang out with me so much? Stephanie: Well, the truth is, I like to hang out with you because I wanna be just like you. You're smart and pretty and really cool. Wouldn't you wanna hang out with you? D.J.: Can't argue with any of that. Well, I guess sometimes I like hanging out with you too. Stephanie: Really? How come? D.J.: Well, you're a little nutty, but you always make me laugh and you have definite cool potential. Tell you what, I'll go to that Halloween carnival with you and I'll go to my party later. Stephanie: Really? Thanks, D.J. about to hug, when... D.J.: Hold that hug. I don't want a roommate. But, since I have to have one, I guess couldn't think of anyone better. Stephanie: Wow! Two nice things in a row! Now? D.J.: Now. hug, just as Danny enters with Michelle dressed as a black cat, and Jesse and Joey in Raggedy Ann & Andy costumes. Danny: Aw. Batman hugging the Joker. Now this is how the movie should have ended. Trivia *The episode title is taken from the court show *The first episode where Stephanie moves out temporarily *The second of two season-three episodes in which Walter appears *The third episode to feature D.J. and Stephanie being addressed by their full names; the first was in "Sisterly Love" (season 1) and the second was in "El Problema Grande de D.J." (season 2); only Stephanie is addressed in "Cutting It Close" *The only appearance of D.J.'s friend Monica, who also attended the same elementary/grade school as D.J. and Kimmy (see Quotes) *Jimmy also served as the "minister" of Stephanie and Harry Takayama's pretend wedding in "Middle Age Crazy" (also season 2) *Jesse's " " is a reference to a popular song by Little Richard *When Stephanie threatens to take D.J. to The People's Court, Danny immediately references (1919–2017), the original judge (1981–1993); he is also referenced in "Joey's Place" (season 1) *When Stephanie calls sleeping in Michelle's room "a nightmare on 'Sesame Street'", it's a reference to *Jesse and Joey's "Geek Illustrated" is a take on "Sports Illustrated" *The events of this episode most likely led to the events of "Take My Sister, Please" (season 5); although while D.J. again asked for her own room and Stephanie did not want to sleep with Michelle, Danny told them that Michelle was too young for a roommate, so Stephanie took matters into her own hands by temporarily moving out of her and D.J.'s room and (literally) moved her bed into Michelle's room *D.J. suggesting that she'd like Stephanie better if Stephanie were in a different room was a reference to their "different worlds (D.J.)/different rooms (Stephanie)" remarks in "Back to School Blues" *When D.J. and Stephanie hug each other, Danny comes in and says, "Ah, Batman hugging the Joker: now this is how the movie should’ve ended" – which apparently was a reference to the 1989 movie *" ", the song Jesse and Joey serenade Danny with, was the signature song of child star (1928–2014) Category:Season 3 Category:Episodes